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Serene
New Member
United Kingdom
62 Posts
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Posted - 22 Mar 2004 : 15:36:16
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Ok, I have several problems going on...
At the moment my parents have arranged my marriage to a cousin I know but do not love and he lives in another country, he's also 27 (I'm 18).
I have a boyfriend from America who I met online, and he is of a totally different religion but says he would convert to Islam. He suggests that I just run away. I could but would I be entitled to protection from my parents? (I know they would kill me if they ever found me) What am I supposed to do? I can't fight them by negotiations and such, they know my feelings on this. But they won't listen and they do not know about my boyfriend. God forbid they ever find that out.
I'm also still haunted by my past which involved dirty-minded cousins and a twat who just wanted to get into my pants (but didn't).
I was grateful for meeting my boyfriend cuz he's the only thing good thing that has come into my life so far...
Can anyone help me?
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. |
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SKY
Average Member
USA
738 Posts
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Posted - 22 Mar 2004 : 19:04:15
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Hmm, i'm sorry. things have a way of working out, senorita. parents are understanding people. theyre not going to force you into something you have no heart in, no matter how cool your cousin is with them. if you love someone else, you should tell them now. don't wait for the wedding night, or afterwards. talk to the parent that loves you the most. then use him/her to break the news gently to the other one.
if everything fails, running away is not the best thing to do, but it might be the only way.
good luck with it all.
dp |
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Shea
Average Member
USA
693 Posts
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Posted - 22 Mar 2004 : 19:10:44
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you mean... like... direct cousins? I know that third cousins and on are okay in many countries, but first cousins are not the wisest of choices since birth defects may follow. That should get you some support. This brings us back to the whole tradition vs choice issue that Sky and I have been talking about in SO MANY previous posts. If you dont love him, tell your parents that it wont work out and you'll eventually get a divorce. Desi parents cant stand that word ~divorce~, its like a curse to them. Try to make them understand your perspective and your situation... dont just succumb to their will. Also, despite how happy your bf makes you, you shouldn't run away. I mean, i feel bad about what your parents are putting you through, so even I, myself, can ask you to come reside with me in American, but I wont. Its not a good idea, this will lead your parents to either get really scared or hate you, neither of which, im sure, you'd want your parents to go through. You met him through the internet, huh? I am not going to say leave him or dont trust him, because there are nice people in the world, but you know, its the internet, you have to watch your self. I know some people that played with other people's hearts over the internet. I knew some people that thought they were in love, there was this one girl named Cheryl who thought she loved me, but i didnt even like her as a person... i just said nice things so i could tell her its not going to work and put her down easy, instead of being an a$$ to her. Becareful with the internet, its a powerful tool, but also a very dangerous source of losing yourself. Even if your prents wont listen, keep talking to them... something's bound to happen.
The past is the past, my past still haunts me, but you cant go back and change it. Try to move on. I dont mean to sound cold when i say that, believe me, I am still fighting my past, so yeah. You sound like you have been through a lot, i can only say Good luck and may you find happiness sooner than you think.
If you need one on one support, just instant message me or email, i was a peer mediator in my school and prevented a suicide or two, =).
I'm in love with you (so in love)
I'm in love with you (I'm so in love)
I'm in love with you... with you |
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raj
Starting Member
United Kingdom
2 Posts
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Posted - 22 Mar 2004 : 19:11:34
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Mate your in a situation on girl would want to be in i know its hard,cus ive been there but he wasnt my cousin.not that it helps. but running away wont help you.infact it might make matters worse.God forbid but if things dont work then what! you would have no one to turn to.Things are hard for you at the moment but look on the bright side, this guy might not be that bad at heart. |
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MoMo
Moderator
United Kingdom
288 Posts
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Posted - 23 Mar 2004 : 13:42:07
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I also understand wat ur goin thru....im 15 n im arranged wid ma cousin(nt gettin married naw tho)...at first i was against it n i kept telin my rents tht i dont love him n blah n blah..bt thy wudnt listen either n i was tinkin of tings lyk u..(runnin away n s***)....bt den ova da last year or so..ive realised itz not such a bad idea...i mean im not in love wid him or netin bt im not gunna dismiss it completely...do u honestly tink ur rents wud do sutin dey dint tink was gud 4 u? wud dey choose sum next prik 4 der daughter? n plus Shea's ryt..be careful of da internet....i have met bare guys tht i fort i lyked...bt itz jst infatutaion....u tink u no sum1 properly bt truly do hav ne idea wat thy lyk? i no it can styl evoke powerful emotions in peeple bt u gotta b practical wid dis bf of urs....if ur honestly serious bout each uda n he loves u den tell him 2 cum meet u n c wat he's rly lyk...im sure if he loves u he will...bt plz dont make ne rash decision lyk runnin away...it rly wont help...trust me...
n anuda ting u shud do...u myt not lyk da idea....bt at least try it....go 2 pakistan n get 2 no dis guy ur guna marry or talk 2 him...itz not fair on da poor guy.he probs dint ask igs 32 b lyk dis either...u dont have 2 make urself love him jst make sure u no wat ur dismissin
after uve dun all dese tings den ull no exactly wat u gotta do....trust me u will.....jst b practical n tink bout da future clearly....wat do u truly need in ur lyf? n is wat u want guaranteed 2 make u happy? |
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Shea
Average Member
USA
693 Posts
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Posted - 23 Mar 2004 : 21:33:23
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i still dont think the whole cousin thing is a good idea, it spells genetic defects, so i still dont think its a good idea
but if you're happy, more power to you
I'm in love with you (so in love)
I'm in love with you (I'm so in love)
I'm in love with you... with you |
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SKY
Average Member
USA
738 Posts
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Posted - 23 Mar 2004 : 23:08:51
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If the cousin is the child of your father's brother, then its pretty much guaranteed youll have a freak baby with three legs and a pig's tail. in bangladesh, its common for cousins to marry, because by doing so, you would keep it inside the family. Id like to think of marriage as an union between two SEPARATE families, instead of a career breaking, earth shattering incestual partnership. makes sense? i know it does.
dp |
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SKY
Average Member
USA
738 Posts
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Posted - 24 Mar 2004 : 00:40:42
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Yeah. with just a bit of lipstick.....oh god...
oh GOD!
UGHH
dp |
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admin
Forum Admin
United Kingdom
1541 Posts
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Posted - 24 Mar 2004 : 01:24:29
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Shea, SKY, this is a serious part of the forum! try not to go too much off the topic!
"Still thinking of a signature!" |
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Shea
Average Member
USA
693 Posts
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Posted - 24 Mar 2004 : 01:28:43
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fine. Incestual breeding is looked down upon and i think you guys should tell your parents about the genetic defects that come with inbreeding. I am sure they wont want kids with missing digits or limbs, even.
I'm in love with you (so in love)
I'm in love with you (I'm so in love)
I'm in love with you... with you |
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SKY
Average Member
USA
738 Posts
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Posted - 24 Mar 2004 : 01:56:17
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Incest can destroy lives. Read "The Family", by mario puzo, and "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by gabriel garcia marquez. Incest is a major theme, and the endings are not happy, to say the least. Both are great books, by the way.
dp |
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Shea
Average Member
USA
693 Posts
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Posted - 24 Mar 2004 : 02:36:56
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hey, speaking of incest, dont forget Hamlet, there is some incest there as well, and we cant forget the whole oedipus.
I'm in love with you (so in love)
I'm in love with you (I'm so in love)
I'm in love with you... with you |
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SKY
Average Member
USA
738 Posts
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Posted - 24 Mar 2004 : 02:43:14
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Thats the whole basis of Freud's psychotherapy. So you have to realize, incest is bad. bad bad bad.
dp |
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Shea
Average Member
USA
693 Posts
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Posted - 24 Mar 2004 : 03:02:52
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yep, i think you guys should tell your parents the whole downside of incest. If you have already fallen in love with your cousins, then i cant really say fall out of love, because that is just not right for me to say that, but if you havent, like serene here, then i suggest you tell your parents the genetic problems with incest.
I'm in love with you (so in love)
I'm in love with you (I'm so in love)
I'm in love with you... with you |
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Serene
New Member
United Kingdom
62 Posts
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Posted - 24 Mar 2004 : 13:06:49
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Hey...
I'm a result of incest...both of my parents were first cousins too.
I must be soooooo damn ugly. ;_;
BTW it's my father's sister's son.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. |
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Shea
Average Member
USA
693 Posts
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Posted - 24 Mar 2004 : 19:24:36
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Hmmm... post a pic! maybe you'd end up being the hottest girl on the forum! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but i still stick to my incest remark, it leads to genetic defects.
I'm in love with you (so in love)
I'm in love with you (I'm so in love)
I'm in love with you... with you |
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SKY
Average Member
USA
738 Posts
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Posted - 24 Mar 2004 : 19:30:00
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Well I suppose if your parents married within their family, they would want you to marry into the family as well, and incest awareness isn't going to change their minds about your impending marriage to your cousin. Maybe you can attack this from a different angle. You said the age difference was too great. 9 years, wow. So you were like 8 when he was 17. He's not going to be into the same stuff you are, and you're never going to be happy. Scare your parents with threats of divorce. Let them know that you feel strongly about someone else, and if they interfere and force you to marry your cousin, you're going to leave him or kill yourself. Scare tactics usually work. If you love this other guy enough, you should be able to pull this off.
dp |
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MoMo
Moderator
United Kingdom
288 Posts
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Posted - 25 Mar 2004 : 17:19:16
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I tried scare tactics b sayin i wud slit my wrists.....my rents jst laffed n sed i was over-reactin....Pray dat ur fiancee finds anuda gal or sutin....SKY n SHEA.....stop scarin me man...im all paranoid n freaked over weva ma kids r guna b mutants...bt ive seen loads of peeps get married 2 der cousins n hav normal kids. Lyk ma bro n ma sis-in-law 4 instance.
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SKY
Average Member
USA
738 Posts
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Posted - 25 Mar 2004 : 17:46:10
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MoMo the thing is, its not 100% guaranteed. Even if you're a perfectly normal couple who aren't related, there's a chance that your offspring might have some type of genetic disorder. I'm just saying, if there is a chance of incest, than the chance of a child with a genetic disorder is much higher than an offspring of a normal unrelated couple.
Makes sense?
So it's not guaranteed that your child is going to be screwed.
dp |
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BaByRaZ
Moderator
Fiji
223 Posts
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Posted - 25 Mar 2004 : 23:10:02
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Hey Serene...take it easy gal... relax n dnt rush in2 nefin!!! Wateva apens apens 4 d best n we shud acept it! its part of lyf!!! ur rents r tinkin 4u, cuz dey mite tink u aint found ne1! n dey wil neva go against ur wil, althought dey wil try n explain n adivise u, as dey tink ur stil a kid4dem n u not aware of stuf...
Gal...as d guys b4 av sed D net is a powerful ting, it can ova play wiv our mind n hart!! --do U reli tink u luv dat guy? does he luv u? how can u prove each ovas luv? have u guys seen each ova? U nid 2 spend tym wiv dis person as uv chosen him, n as cuz hes from a dif country n from difernt religion.... U both nid 2 sit n chat n discus! we cant jus tink bout 2day or d nex yr... mariage means alot!!!
Marriage is an essential part of the Islamic way of life. It is the only way in which a man or a woman can have a sexual relationship.
Marriage in Islam is a long life experience. Muslims do not get married to "experiment", or because it's "fun and play". Neither do they marry for a limited period. They marry to settle down, have children, and cement family relationships. If the marriage is successful, it is a great social and moral bond, creating a happy prosperous relationship within the parties concerned. If it fails, it causes upheaval and results in tension and a sour relationship. That is the reason why Muslims, male and female, and the families concerned, are all advised to be careful and choosy of the parties concerned.
so gal al i can say 2 u is jus tink & tlk 2 ur bf 1st n decide den take it futher!! Tkecre...
BaBy*RaZ
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FCUK_HASH
New Member
Afghanistan
85 Posts
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Posted - 25 Mar 2004 : 23:23:51
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hi serena!
im very sry to hear bout your situation! i aint no expert in this kind of stuff n i guess other peoples advice wud b much more helpful to u so i wnt comment on n e thing!
BUT...i can tell u 1 thing that i am a expert in (well sort of lol)...iz that bout genetic defects! that iz 100% bull s***! that is soo silly n sooo untrue! a genetic defected baby is only caused by a defected mother or farther who pass on their genes...not by them mixing! yeh it does happen somtimes while there mixing or while developing (mutation) but that can happen to any 2 pair of ppl, it has nothing to do with how close related you are, itz due to other factors e.g. drugs, radiation ect!
if itz 2 individuals frm 2 diff species, then u got a prob, like wen a horse bones a donky, u get a mule...which iz genetically defected coz it iz infertile n cant av babies!
soooo...if dat guy in is a human...then u got nothing at all to worry about...trust me...i give you my wrd! n thats the wrd of sum 1 who has done genetics at A Level n is bout to do genetics at uni this summer! :)
P.S...SKY...3 legged babies? which skl did u go to? lol
Take that n rewind it back, HASH got da rymes to make ur booty go "clap" |
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BengaLTiger
Moderator
United Kingdom
617 Posts
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Posted - 25 Mar 2004 : 23:29:06
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| This worlds such a terrible and twisted little place. NASA hurry up with that mars expedition, and were still waiting for the latest on if you've found any extra terristrial hunnys on mars. Cant wait!!!! |
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SKY
Average Member
USA
738 Posts
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Posted - 25 Mar 2004 : 23:47:13
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f*** HASH you can claim whatever you want, but theres a reason why genetic counseling is recommended in pregnancy cases where the parents are blood relatives.
And the three legs/pig's tail is in reference to a FICTION story. So don't be a jackass.
dp |
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FCUK_HASH
New Member
Afghanistan
85 Posts
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Posted - 26 Mar 2004 : 00:43:03
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ok f*** the science! i know it aint perfect, but owz this then...
“God fashioned humans from a clinging entity.” Qur’an, 96:2
“I fashioned the clinging entity into a chewed lump of flesh and I fashioned the chewed flesh into bones and I clothed the bones with intact flesh.” Qur’an, 23:14
“I fashioned (humans) a clinging entity, then into a lump of flesh in proportion and out of proportion.” Qur’an, 22:5
“... and (God) gave you ears, eyes and hearts.” Qur’an, 32:9
so god made u how u are..and how everyone iz! he decides who haz genetic disorder n who has disabilities! he decides if we av 1 eye or 2 eyes, if we av 2 legs or 3 legs, n if we av a face like a pig (mentioning no names)
and it is haraam to marry sum 1 of blood relations, and ur dads sisters son aint 1 of them, so if it waz wrong and caused problems...do u think allah wud av made it halaal?
so f*** u and f*** ur genetic counseling aiight!
Take that n rewind it back, HASH got da rymes to make ur booty go "clap" |
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BaByRaZ
Moderator
Fiji
223 Posts
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Posted - 26 Mar 2004 : 00:43:12
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erm... Sky i kno iv herd bout d risks of avin a baby in relation orwateva... but i also biliv dat Allah swt has created evryfin... all tings in heaven n on earth!!
It is our belief dat Allah swt does not do any harm 2 us nor does He oppress us.
we shud b apy d way we r n b grateful4 wat we get!!!
BaBy*RaZ
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BaByRaZ
Moderator
Fiji
223 Posts
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Posted - 26 Mar 2004 : 00:46:11
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lololol...Hash u sed it rite....
BaBy*RaZ
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Shea
Average Member
USA
693 Posts
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Posted - 26 Mar 2004 : 03:19:20
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Hash, i think you need to cool it! You too sky.
look hash, you can kiss allah or god or whatever your worship to all you want... but we live in a time of science. And yes, first blood marriages DO infact cause genetic defects so shush before you talk. And sky went to Hunter High school and i went to bronx science, kids from out schools have graduated and won nobel prizes in math, biology, and physics amongst other stuff, so yeah, we went to good schools. also, if you believe in god, thats great, but this isn;t about religion... if you want to discuss religion, go to the religion thread. Sky and myself are talking about the scientific back up through this whole thing.
'nuff said...
I'm in love with you (so in love)
I'm in love with you (I'm so in love)
I'm in love with you... with you |
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SKY
Average Member
USA
738 Posts
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Posted - 26 Mar 2004 : 03:50:06
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Adult incest has been notable in royal dynasties, probably in order to help concentrate wealth and political influence within the family (historical evidence suggests that this practice actually weakened the genetic makeup of elite society family lines, resulting in abnormally high occurrences of rare genetic defects and diseases).
Children of incestuous relations face social stigma and emotional trauma. There is a popular belief that incest results in physically or mentally deformed children, although this is a vast oversimplification. Inbreeding (which may occur through incestuous or non-incestuous relations) results in an increase in homozygocity, that is, the same allele at the same locus on both members of a chromosome pair. This occurs because close relatives are more likely to share more alleles than nonrelated individuals. If an individual has an allele linked to a congenital birth-defect, it is likely that close relatives also have this allele; a homozygote would express the congenital birth defect. If an individual does not have such an allele, a homozygote would be healthy.
In small populations this dynamic would lead to an initial increase in birth defects. But if health care is limited, it is likely that such children would not reproduce; consequently, the frequencies for the allele in question would go down. Ultimately the result would be a population with a large number of homozygotes and a small number of congenital birth defects. In large populations with good health care, however, it is likely that there will be consistently high levels of heterozygosity despite periodic inbreeding. Consequently the alleles linked to congenital birth defects will remain in the population, with a significant chance of a homozygote with the linked allele.
Here, just some stuff I found. It's not by me. Just because it's allowed in Islam doesn't make it a ritual that you HAVE to perform. There are other choices.
Shea bro, there's no point in one upping a religious fanatic.
dp |
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Shea
Average Member
USA
693 Posts
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Posted - 26 Mar 2004 : 03:53:12
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well well well
there you have it folks, scientific stuff right there! sky wins this one. so yeah... if you want to bring religion into this, please dont, talk it over in the religion thread. This way, we wont have a flame war going on. and Fcuk Hash, look, his comments were no where as offensive to you as yours was to him... so please watch what you type.
I'm in love with you (so in love)
I'm in love with you (I'm so in love)
I'm in love with you... with you |
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Serene
New Member
United Kingdom
62 Posts
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Posted - 26 Mar 2004 : 11:53:03
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:(
That doesn't help...
Thanks otherwise for all the advice, I mean...yes I know the net is dodgy etc etc... but I have been talking to my bf over the phone and he seems so sure about wanting to be with me. So I'm not sure how else to prove myself to him.
I've emailed the CommonWealth office to see if they can help me out. Let's hope eh?
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. |
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Shea
Average Member
USA
693 Posts
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Posted - 26 Mar 2004 : 15:43:27
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serene, wer just saying show your parents the proof so you are not frced into it. Hey, if your bf seems sure about it and you guys are IN love, then hey, more power to ya!
i wish you the best of luck and hope everything goes well
I'm in love with you (so in love)
I'm in love with you (I'm so in love)
I'm in love with you... with you |
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